Russ Kent: ‘Tis the most pun-derful time of the year


Christmas is just around the corner, or Sunday, whichever comes first.

Hopefully you’ve got your shopping done, your cookies decorated and your mistletoe is hung by the chimney with care.

Wait, I have my Christmas metaphors mixed up.

Anyway, enjoy your time with friends and family.

Enjoy the gift-giving and receiving, the laughter coming from your little ones and the real reason for the season.

If you’re able.

I know the holiday season is difficult for some.

For many, this is not the “most wonderful time of the year.”

So this column is for you.

Hopefully, it will make you chuckle a little, or smile, or even cringe a wee little bit.

If you know anything about me, you know I like a good joke. I love a bad joke.

I’m a big fan of puns. I’m even more of a fan of terrible puns that really do make you cringe.

So, I spent last weekend doing a little research and found these beauties.

They’re not for everone, after all, as someone once said, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

Anyway, here we go!

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island …

What are the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season? “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included” …

For all my former English teachers: If Santa and Mrs. Claus had a baby, what would he be? A subordinate Claus. …

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet! …

What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar? He got 25 days! …

What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow! …

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you! …

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet, ribbet? Mistle-toad! …

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis! …

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause! …

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet! …

How to cats greet each other at Christmas time? A furry Merry Christmas and Happy Mew Year. …

What do you call an ELF who sings? A Wrapper! …

What is a typical elf greeting? “Small world, isn’t it?” …

Two snowmen were living in a field. One turned to the other and said: “I don’t know about you, but I keep smelling carrots.”

There once was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.” She, being the obstinate type, responded,” I don’t think so, dear. I think it’s snowing.” But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife,” Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies,” I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

A man walks into a cafe desiring breakfast. The waitress seats him and he asks what the specials are. She tells him the Christmas special is eggs benedict. He orders the special. A little later, the waitress comes out with theeggs benedict, served on hubcaps. Surprised, he asks why the hubcaps instead of regular plates. Her response? “There’s no plates like chrome for the Hollandaise.” …

And these, I don’t believe I’ve heard before:

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer! …

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve! …

How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive? Yep, Olive. You know. Olive, the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names …

What’s the most popular Christmas wine? “I don’t like Brussels sprouts!” …

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

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Email Russ Kent at rkent@civitasmedia.com with comments or story ideas

Russ Kent

rkent@civitasmedia.com